"idk & idc"
November 11, 2010, 1:50 p.m.

According to the diagnostic and statistical manual IV, "Major depression" is classified as at least 5 out of the 9 symptoms, one of which must be:

1/ Feeling depressed/down
-- or
2/ Feeling like nothing interests you anymore - even things that you used to like doing for most of the day, for most days of the week.

The other 7 symptoms are:
-- Fatigue
-- Poor attention
-- Change in appetite/weight
-- Sleep changes (sleeping more or sleeping less with or without early morning wakening)
-- Everything slows down (the person moves slower, speaks slower, etc.)
-- Feeling excessively guilty / at fault / worthless
-- Suicidal thoughts/thoughts that life isn't worth living

I don't know what to say. I match most of this. I have been trying SO hard to fight it. I try to surround myself with positive images, positive thoughts, positive people. It helps sometime and some days are better than others but I'm worried. No. Make that concerned. I don't know. I just don't care.

I'm writing this here because I know that no one reads this. Or even cares about it. So I can be honest. Sure it's public and online but it's as if it doesn't exist. Just like me. Okay I take that back. I have people who love me. Who are concerned about me -- who I love and am concerned about. But frankly. I just wish I didn't hate myself so much. it's my default way of being. I try to force myself to value/love/honor myself. But it doesn't last. I am so sick of myself. It feels like a penalty that I got imprisoned with my ugly self for life. I'm worthless. I know it. And I just don't care. And I don't want attention. Leave me alone everybody. Just leave me alone.