"Masks - a Hush Collab"
October 28, 2001, 7:46 p.m.

This is a Hush Collab entry for October 2001.

October Topic = Masks

We all wear masks of one sort or another. It's especially fun at Halloween to be and act like someone totally out of character if only for one day. It seems to offer a sense of freedom from the same old drudgery of being who we are and who we have to live with every single day.

While it's fun to play and be someone else it's also part of our nature to wear masks each and every day that we live and breath. We wear different masks for different people. We do this mostly to hide who we are from others as a form of protection. To protect our inner self from the perceptions of other people. It's a chameleonic experience.

I wear masks all the time. My favorite and most well-worn mask is the mask of someone who has got it all together. Someone who is okay and doing fine. Someone who is in control of her life. But the very fact that I wear this mask, also means that I am NOT that - I actually am not the person I so dearly want others to perceive that I am. Or at least my self-knowledge tells me so.

The problem with masks is that when we wear them, they become our reality and our self-knowledge tells us that the masks we wear are really who we are.

When in fact, the masks we wear are not who we are at all. But we think we are the person we are portraying. So, we find more masks to wear. Different masks. Different masks for different situations. Until we have a full wardrobe of masks.

When I was young, I wore a "good girl" mask. I wore it to please my parents and teachers. But when I behaved in a way which did not match the mask I wore, I felt guilty. I then put on my "I'm not really a bad girl" mask. And when I tried to look under the mask, I found that yes, I really am a bad girl - so I went and put on my "bad girl" mask and my behaviour followed. I thought that this freed me up to be who I really was - not a good girl as I had been acting - but a bad girl which I told myself was the real me.

I wasn't the bad girl at all but I believed the mask I wore.

Part of me also knew that I wasn't just a bad girl. I wasn't a good girl. I was both at times. So I added another mask. I added my "I'm a unique and complex individual" mask. I became interested in all things artistic and creative and screw the establishment.

Talk about confusing! And I kept wearing more and more masks.

I had my "I'm great at sex" mask.

I had my "innocent" mask.

I had my "no one understands me" mask.

I had my "artist" mask.

I had my "bitch" mask.

I had my "clever" mask.

I had my "sweet angel" mask.

And of course, I had my "I've got it all together" mask.

Then, I had a conversation with someone who told me how unauthentic I was. How phoney I was. I was shocked to hear this.

I thought I was - who I thought I was.

But I wasn't.

I was relating to myself and to others as if I was who I wanted them to believe I was.

But I wasn't.

I believed that all of those masks were really me. I had worn them so long they seemed real to me. And when I tried to take them off and reveal myself - even just to myself - it was very hard. Some masks were easy to see through and some I just could not recognize for being a mask - they were so much a part of who I was.

I don't think I ever got to take all of my masks off and every now and then I still put a new one on. I don't do it on purpose. I do it. Like a habit. For comfort and protection. To make others believe that I am who I say I am.

But, then, so does everyone else. It's human nature.

Sometimes it just feels good to wear a mask.

Sometimes, like at halloween, it's just plain fun.

It's funny though, that so often when we think we are being authentic - we are simply wearing a mask. We know we do this and that's why it's so hard to believe other people who are authentic and intimate with us or who pay us compliments and say nice things to us because we know it's just the mask talking and not really the person behind it.

Those of us who wear masks, know what I am talking about - but we just think it's lip service.

It's only then - when we take off the mask, that we can really appreciate the good thoughts of others and understand and recognize authentic caring, and love and intimacy from another person.

We may feel a sense of freedom when we choose to wear a mask, but freedom happens when we take off the mask and simple be who we are.