"Come on, tell me you love me!"
September 07, 2001, 11:41 p.m.

I left work tonight very angry and discontent.

It was a stressful day today.

I got in an argument with The Gestapo which always makes me feel weird since she's my boss.

It really wasn't an argument - it was a debate - but it felt like an argument. She raised her voice because she thought that I couldn't/ wouldn't hear her. But she wasn't listening and didn't get the point.

I finally told her to go talk to my coworker about the issue since she stopped me in the middle of the hall - while I had my purse in my hand - on my way to lunch - to rant about an issue that she didn't think we were taking action on.

I hate it when she does that to me. She never asks if I have a moment to discuss something with her. She never asks what our current procedures are before she tell us we're doing something wrong - when in fact, she just doesn't have the facts.

She pounces and attacks.

I'm going to have to ask her to stop doing that. (That's always fun - having to coach a person on their behaviour especially when the person is your boss.)

If I approach her tactfully and speak only of the "actions" and the "impact" of the actions - perhaps I can help her choose another type of action for herself when those situations come up again.

But my biggest sin today though was that I lied to a coworker - or rather let a coworker assume that I was demoted like many other people were on our team so she wouldn't feel bad about the fact that she was demoted.

Why did I do that? When she finds out that I wasn't demoted - and she will - she will know I that I deceived her. I just didn't want to hurt her feelings or rub her nose in it. I'm going to have to say something to her.

Then I have so much leftover work to deal with, which means I have to go into the bank this weekend to finish it.

So that's why I left work tonight very angry and discontent.

Which is why I held a conversation with myself on the ride home from downtown.

All the while I was on the freeway, I had been harping on myself and saying mean things to myself like "God I hate you." "I hate you so much." "You're such an idiot." "Why do you do such stupid things?"

I was going on for a bit - and didn't realize I was speaking. But I must have spoken too loudly because I started taking notice of what I was telling myself.

Then I got fed up with myself and told myself that I owed myself an apology and that I knew that I loved myself because through thick and thin - I've always been there.

So I did. I apologized to myself....

I sat there driving down Post Oak Blvd. between a parcel of cars and saying "Come onnnnn! You don't hate me. You know you love me! Say it to me!"

Gosh - that was so hard to do! I was surprised at how hard it was. And I tried to say the words without being too obvious in case another driver was watching me. I sat at a red light and waited till the light changed to green and the car was in motion before speaking.

Then I said it. "Okay, I love you and I'm sorry I hurt your feelings."

I responded by saying, "Apology accepted. Don't do it again."

And you know what...I started to feel better about myself. My mood elevated when I did that.

So I have things I know I have to do and conversations that I have to have - but all in all at least I'm not berating myself.

As someone once said to me, "Don't hang out with the thoughts in your head, that's a bad neigborhood to be in."

Like Stuart Smalley, "That's stinkin' thinkin'." or... "I'm good enough - I'm smart enough and Gosh Darn it - people like me!"

Sometimes it pays to talk back when someone is saying bad things about you. Especially when that someone is you.