"adventures of a hypochondriac"
July 15, 2001, 2:18 p.m.

Went to the doctor Friday and saw the P.A. (physicians assistant) at the HMO.

I should have known better than to arrive with a list.

The answer I received for each of my little complaints should not have surprised me.

The loss of sensation in the fingers of each of my hands and the outside areas of my thighs and knees which he told me is a result of using the computer too much irritating the open space in my wrist - vis-a-vis carpul tunnel syndrome.

Since his response was so immediately delivered - I didn't remind him that I had just not two moments earlier mentioned the loss of sensation in the legs too but only said "you know you're right - I didn't think about that. It never occurred to me that it could be carpel tunnel syndrome since I don't walk away from the computer with soreness - it must be a delayed effect " - I suppose I just never realized that CTS effected the legs as well. (He is right though - it certainly could be a result of sitting and using the computer too much.)

My constant thirstiness.

My night sweats.

My extreme exhaustion every day

"It's the heat" he said.

My pains I get in my chest every now and then.

My sleeping problems.

"It's stress" he said.

My crackling lungs at night that I still have after my cold a month ago.

"It's the smoking" he said. (he's probably right.)

"we'll need some blood-work" he said. "then come back in a week and we'll give you a physical".

I was disappointed that he did not really see me and only offered what I could tell were answers that he already had in his mind.

Did he listen? Somewhat, but did he open his mind to see what was going on with me? No. He'd heard it all before and came back with answers he's given before.

Not that I want to receive fully customized answers to my complaints --- well actually - yes I do! I DO want fully customized answers to my complaints.

I wanted him to keep his mouth shut about what he thought it all was and simply respond by saying "Let's find out what's going on".

This is what happens when I go to the doctor without a real reason for going to the doctor - like having a disease or something. They don't like it when you have to make them guess.

I suppose I should have gone in with telling him I think I have a circadian rhythm disorder.

I should have gone in telling him I worry because so many folks around me are sick and I just want some assurance that I'm okay.

I should have gone in telling him that I take on sympathy symptoms of folks I know who are sick - but I know this about myself and so I tell myself that I'm just imagining these symptoms - and ultimately they go away - so when they don't - that's when I go to the doctor.

I haven't been to the doctor in 4 years for a real visit (I've been to the after-hours emergency clinic) .

I know that's bad. I just hate going to the doctor. I'm never satisfied. I'm either treated as if I'm some sort of hypochondriac or a slab of rancid meat they need to examine.

I may be a hypochondriac and if thats true - how do I change that?

Why don't they ever look in my eyes when I speak? They look at my chart, they look at my body. They don't look at me.

Here I go - complaining again.

I'm sure I'm doing something wrong - I just can't see beyond myself to recognise what it might be.

In any case - I'm going in for a physical next week and that at least is a good start - it's been too long.