"The If Project...July 2001"
July 8, 2001, 10:29 p.m.

This is an If...Project Collaboration entry for July, 2001

If you were asked to identify your most life-altering moment, what would it be? Why did that pivotal event or experience cause you to change your direction?

They thought I had leukemia.

They thought I was abused.

They thought I had a parasite.

They really didn't know.

They only knew I wasn't eating.

They only knew I was losing weight.

They only knew I was losing energy.

That's what they knew.

I knew I wasn't hungry.

I knew I didn't feel like doing anything.

I knew that food made me sick.

I knew that I couldn't go to school.

I knew that I couldn't play with my friends.

I knew that I couldn't sleep.

I was 9 years old and I weighed 29 pounds.

People say I was anorexic.

People say I was haunted.

People say I was depressed.

People say I was dying.

I honestly don't know why what happened to me - happened to me.

I didn't have a self-image issue.

I didn't try to lose weight.

I didn't try to not sleep.

I didn't try to be bad and cause all that commotion.

I hated having them attempting to get me to eat. The cajoling. The force feeding. The exhibitions of hopelessness and despair for my benefit. The malt tablets. The late night meals of chipped beef on toast and hot buttered milk. (I still cringe at the thought.)

I hated having them attempting to get me sleep. The hypnosis. The guided meditations. The massages. The new pajamas. The sweet aromas. The offering of different beds like a treat.

I hated going to doctor after doctor. Getting shot after shot. Test after test.

Nothing helped.

I was wasting away.

Until....one day I was on a train to Houston when I saw the lady pushing the refreshment cart up and down the aisles.

She looked just like Snow White.

I wanted her to stop and talk to us.

I told my mother I wanted a sandwich.

My mother said she would buy it if I ate half.

She did.

And the lady who looked just like Snow White smiled at me.

And I ate my half of a sandwich and fell asleep on the train with my head on my mother's lap.

From then on, my life changed.

My life-altering moment may have been what it was that caused me to lose my weight, my appetite and my sleep. That would be a moment I cannot pin-point. It was a process and it wasn't a conscious decision on my part.

I know that my life-altering moment was actually wanting the sandwich, actually eating it and actually getting some sleep.

Why did wanting a sandwich from the lady who looked like Snow White make me want to eat it after all the failed attempts?

It may have been because it was my choice and because no one was forcing me to do it. It have simply been that I finally was hungry and tired.

In any case - whatever the reason...

Snow White saved my life that day and she doesn't even know it.